My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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