when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
