I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize