Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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