I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
