How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
