where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
