Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
