I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize
