The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
