You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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