he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you had me at cake vodka
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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