Yo dont text me then not text me
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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