i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
