I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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