Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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