These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
