The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
