I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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