living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Randomize