You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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