Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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