im having a threesome with these popsicles
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
