if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
