Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize