i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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