I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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