hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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