Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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