oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize