I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize