And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
