based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
