i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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