Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
