I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
