just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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