drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
