Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
