Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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