So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize