You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
