yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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