Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
the liver wants what the liver wants
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
