Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
