hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
