Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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