Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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