If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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