Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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