Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
