"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
