He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize