The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
