Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
