sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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