im six kinds of drunk right now
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
