I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
