Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I supernannyed him into submission
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
